Chapter 1: HOW TO BE A BETTER BLOGGER
Oh hello there, I’m The PEOPLE WHO’s wireless G, and it must be almost annually that I am recognized in public by an adoring “fan.” Usually I am able to fend them off without losing many teeth, but on those occasions that prove non-violent I am invariably asked the same question: how do I get to Pike and Broadway from here? And my response never wavers: YES, I will tell you how to be a better blogger in seven easy steps!
The result, often, is a gratitude so profound, some mistake it for confusion followed by anger. But as a Professional Blogger who is somehow managing to have a wood-pulp version of his work self-published, I feel I have a responsibility to pass along my hard-earned wisdom. Press on, and with a little time and patience, you may garner (a small fraction of) the success I have enjoyed!
- Write about subjects you have never even heard of before: no one likes a know it all.
- Avoid gimmicks like “animated GIFs,” “color images” and “coherent prose.” Your audience deserves a little more respect than that.
- Refer to celebrities by their first names only: people may think you’ve slept with them. And hey, who’s to say you haven’t, if you get my drift.
- Be sure to suck on a lime wedge every few months: great blogging is scurvy-free blogging.
- If you do decide to include Photographic Plates in your blog, be sure they are of yourself making a kissy-face toward the camera: this will never go out of style.
- Some will tell you finding the best “web hosting solution” is important for any blog: malarkey! Try hand-writing your blog on a yellow legal pad, and inviting “followers” over to flip through it over a mug of delicious yoo-hoo: you may discover the RSS feed of Friendship.
- Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, I always say! Be sure to occasionally abandon your blog for months or years at a time: this will keep them guessing.
Bonus Tip: Got any old nudie pics of your ex stashed away? Nothing brings in the page-views like a plump pair of buttocks.
