Oh, why.. hello! I didn’t see you there. I’m PEOPLE WHO’s wireless G, and you may have seen me on the prestigious ‘Intered-Nets’ describing the sort of people who cause my panties to inexplicably bunch themselves. Lately I’ve noticed many other authors of so-called “web logs,” or weogs, have been publishing tell-all reflections, revealing exciting tidbits about themselves, including: their secret identities, the mysterious origins of their brilliant site-concepts, and any hideous deformities (or super powers) that weren’t already evident. Compelling reading, to be sure!

Well, I am no different. Not a month passes without my receiving an average of 0.2 emails, asking such questions as “why are you still doing this?” and “for the love of all things good and holy, please STOP, you heartless fuck.” The last one wasn’t really a question, but I was running low on examples. So here, as an act of selfless service to those who read PEOPLE WHO (but find it lacking in biographical information on a stranger they have no reason to care about) I present to you my very own LIST OF IMPORTANT FACTS:

  1. The site is in ‘all caps’ not as a stylistic choice on my part, but because I spilled delicious yoo-hoo on the Caps Lock button some years ago. I am writing this entry on a rented keyboard, which I must return as soon as it is finished.
  2. Merely by mimicking the noise made when Superman releases a blast of his “freezing breath,” I’ve discovered my own breath drops to negative one thousand Kevins*, making it a deadly weapon against evil. Try it some time, it may work for you too!
  3. PEOPLE WHO is the end result of my heart-warming personal journey through pain and discovery… loss and redemption… giggles and shits. I will now recount said journey in painstaking detai— oh wait, the pizza’s here. Maybe later.
  4. As many of you have speculated, English is not my native tongue, but you were incorrect in thinking it might be Klingon. No, I was raised speaking the click language of the Kalahari bushmen, with a touch of Huttese thrown in at meal times, and when bounty hunters came to the door.
  5. My house is covered completely in ‘PEOPLE WHO’ wallpaper. Egotistical, you say? Well maybe it was already up when I bought the place, and I named the blog after the wallpaper! Did you even think of that? Apology accepted.
  6. I have only one leg, but three arms. I feel it’s a reasonable trade off. And so does my wall of hopscotch trophies.
  7. My day job is male modeling, just until the blog starts to turn a six-figure profit. You can see some of my work here.
  8. People who “don’t get” the blog are DEAD TO ME. No wait.. they DON’T BOTHER ME AT ALL. Whichever seems the least insecure.
  9. Are all the ‘PEOPLE WHOs’ actually based on me? Of course not! I am not an Australian.
  10. No one else has read this far. NO ONE. As a reward for your loyalty, you shall receive one strip of PEOPLE WHO wallpaper, to be peeled from either the accordion room or the hobo cellar, at a time of my choosing. When you arrive to collect your prize, please speak in bushman dialect so as not to raise suspicion, and avoid playing with your lighter, unless you’re prepared for an icy blast of my frost breath. You will not be warned again.

*A measurement I only partially made up.